Leg Shaving and Subway Sandwiches
by Fairy Star Dust
Summary: This is a really weird little fic, a challenge fic given to me by AriaStar. It's really funny and insane, and I had a fun time writingit.Voldemort makes a fool of himself and Sirius gets a sandwich, among other stuff. Please R/R. PG for weirdness and PMS.


A/N: This is a challenge fic from AriaStar, WARNING: its incredibly strange, but hilarious! 

Disclaimer: Lily Evans, the giant squid, Dumbledore, Sirius Black, Voldemort, butterbeer, and the Forbidden Forest all belong to J.K. Rowling, Subway sandwiches belong to the Subway people, Gillette razors belong to the Gillette company, and everything else belongs to ME.

AriaStar's challenge:

*must contain at least one tankard of butterbeer

*Sirius must be in it, and he must be a dog at least some of the time

*someone must eat a sandwich, and it must be important to the story

*the giant squid must be in it

*a broomstick must be used, but not for Quidditch

*someone must shave Dumbledore's beard (and it can be Dumbledore himself)

Leg Shaving and Subway Sandwiches

"Ouch!" cried Lily Evans, cutting herself with her razor once again. She examined the Gillette razor angrily. "Stupid thing," she muttered, and tossed it out the window. 

It landed in the lake right next to where the giant squid was snoozing happily. He woke up and saw it floating next to him. _Hmm,_ he thought, getting a very wicked idea. He snatched up the razor in one of his tentacles and stretched it waaaay up to the window of Dumbledore's office. He chuckled to himself evilly, thinking of the hilarious reaction this would cause. 

Meanwhile, Lily was still sulking over having cut her leg with the razor. "Now I have to buy a new one," she said. She kicked the wall and frowned. Her PMS was getting to her. "Ow! Cramps!" she said. She sat there, pouting, until she saw a huge slimy tentacle zoom past her window. "What the—" she exclaimed.

The giant squid reached Dumbledore's window and poked his tentacle inside it. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, reading a piece of parchment. In one quick motion, the giant squid whipped the razor under Dumbledore's chin and shaved off his beard.

"My beard!!" cried Dumbledore. He fell to his knees and looked in disbelief at the beautiful long strands of silvery-white hair that, a few seconds ago, had been attached to his chin. He glanced into the mirror and screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," he screeched, seeing his now bare and ugly chin. He grabbed a role of Spellotape and tried valiantly to tape the long strands back on. It didn't work so he flopped into his chair and cried.

The giant squid retreated back into the murky lake, chortling to himself. Being a giant squid, he never got much excitement, so that was a big treat for him. He settled down into a contented squid-nap.

While the giant squid slept, Sirius (in dog form) wandered down onto the banks of the lake. He had just escaped from Azkaban and was looking for something to do, because he was a great procrastinator and did not want to go find Harry and clear his name just yet. "I could do with a quality sandwich right about now," he thought to himself. All of a sudden, he noticed a huge Subway sandwich under a tree. "Oh excellent!" he said in a bark. It looked fresh, with yummy bologna and sprouts. He ran and pounced on the sandwich, sinking his teeth into it. He chewed happily until he noticed his mouth was full of dirt. "Ick!" he said, spitting it out. He looked around and noticed the sandwich was a few yards ahead of him. Sirius ran to it and pounced. Again, he got a mouthful of dirt. The Subway sandwich was a few yards ahead of him again. This happened nine more times before Sirius got suspicious (for you see, he was not very bright) but still he keep chasing it (tsk).

After about seventeen more times of this, he looked around and realized he was in the forbidden forest. Sirius didn't care. All he cared about was getting that sandwich. He gave a huge lunge and jumped through a very strange sort of invisible wall, it felt like gelatin and was hard to get through. Sirius landed on a cold stone floor. The sandwich was lying on the ground a few feet away with a string attached to it. Sirius changed into a human and ran over to it. He was just about to take a bite when he looked up and saw Lord Voldemort standing over him.

"Mwahahaha," Voldemort laughed evilly. "I have lured you here with a delicious Subway sandwich and now you shall suffer!!!!"

"I'll give you a bite of the sandwich if you let me go," Sirius offered.

Voldemort considered. "Does it have mustard on it?" he asked hopefully.

"Yep," Sirius lied, crossing his fingers behind his back.

"Well…" said Voldemort thoughtfully.

"I'll even throw in a free tankard of butterbeer, just for you," said Sirius.

"Oh all right," said Voldemort. "But it better be a big bite."

He made a move toward it, but in one swift motion, Sirius grabbed the sandwich and conjured a broomstick out of thin air. He jumped on it and flew above Voldemort.

"HAHAHAHA, who's laughing now?" said Sirius, teasingly flying just a few inches above Voldemort's outstretched hands.

Voldemort jumped and tried to catch Sirius. "Hey, no fair," he complained. He tripped on the hem of his robes and fell. He skinned his knee and started crying. 

"Tsk, what a baby," muttered Sirius. He flew back through the invisible wall and landed in the Forbidden Forest. He sat down with his hard-earned sandwich. "Hey, great, now all I need is that butterbeer I falsely promised Voldemort. 

A tankard of butterbeer fell out of the sky and hit him on the head. He picked it up and enjoyed his lunch, feeling quite pleased with himself. 

After five more days, Lily got over her PMS, bought a new razor, and learned the art of leg-shaving and how not to cut yourself. The giant squid moved to Hawaii, where he now spends his days learning the hula and drinking Pineapple shakes. Sirius is still procrastinating and has not gotten his name cleared yet, but he swears he will get around it ("Tomorrow…" he promises every day). Dumbledore eventually accepted his beardless state, and has decided he likes the look. Voldemort's skinned knee healed, and he is currently alternating his time between being evil and eating Subway sandwiches.

A/N: lol this is REALLY strange but I had a great time writing it. Review my insane but funny challenge fic, please!


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